2024 Word of The Year

My Word of the Year for 2024 is Present

Why Present?

[Writer’s note: joy and present are used interchangeably in this post]

First, a quick review of previous words of the year. I started doing word of the year in 2015, when my word was Authentic. Even though it was during the early days of what would become known as The Awkward Years, 2015 was when I rebranded to Simply Cynth. I’d grown tired of a demoralizing job search that had brought out unsavory parts of me, including trying to mold myself into someone I thought employers would love but, oddly enough, someone I hated. I just wanted to be me. And that’s who I became, Simply Cynth.

This was a fundamental paradigm shift where I learned to value simplicity and authenticity, the latter being defined as a serendipitous coming together of principle, purpose, and preference. I began to gain clarity about who I was, what I wanted and didn’t, and what made me happy. I began the process of actively focusing on what brought me joy, and letting go of the rest.

I know I picked words of the year 2016-2019 but I have no clue what they were because it was during one of the worst times in my life, the aforementioned Awkward Years. 2020 and 2021 are a blur, other than starting a weight loss journey (which today is on life support but still going.) Though I didn’t actively pick a word for 2022 I retroactively assign it a phrase: Ground Zero/Fresh Start. Ground Zero because it was when my inner world collapsed. But also Fresh Start because it was when I restarted this blog and started to actively deconstruct and let go of my past, and made important decisions. You can read about that here.

My word for 2023 was Redirect because, as part of my aforementioned Fresh Start that included important decisions, the most important decision I made was to redirect my pain and disappointment into worthy endeavors. That became my framework for navigating 2023: choosing to take all my hurt and not so much do something good with it as build something amazing, a whole new life.

What that’s looked like thus far is writing a lot here, stepping away from freelance writing because it was hurting me more than helping, going back to school to finish my degree, and making painful but necessary personal decisions that have fostered a sense of dignity and empowerment. Redirecting pain and disappointment into worthwhile and productive things feels like steering Titanic away from the iceberg with a tiny rudder, but unlike the ill fated steamer, I have yet to hit an iceberg.

So now, 2024…

In spite of meaningful strides upward and onward over the last few months, I am still struggling quite a bit to live fully present mentally and emotionally. Apart from still mourning intangible losses, I’m also dealing with difficult day-to-day realities that take up a lot of headspace and drain my battery. Both can be disruptive to being fully present and engaged. which is why my word for 2024 is just that…

Present

As in living in the present and fully engaged in the here and now without dwelling on the past, the bad stuff, or worrying about the future.

Within the context of letting go of old dreams, accepting many new normals, and building from scratch, I want to find heartfelt enjoyment and satisfaction again in the things that bring me joy, without that enjoyment being sullied by disruptive cynical thoughts, catastrophic fears about the future, or paralyzing existential angst. I want to relish things like taking pictures everywhere I go like I used to, feeling connected to the world around me or being moved and inspired by music once again.

I want to fully immerse myself in school mentally and genuinely embrace the process of studying and learning. I want to embrace the hustle that is my day to day existence, which at this times includes having to wake up at 3:45 a.m. five days a week. I want to make consistent and quantifiable progress in my personal, fitness, and financial goals. I want to take in life deeply and build meaningful memories once again. I want to be fully present and fully engaged. I want to take in life as I did in my younger days, such as in this line from my previous post:

“…by virtue of nothing more than youth and its inherent vitality and resilience in said past, I used to experience…life…with an emotional intensity, vibrancy and fullness that can only be described as magical. I was fully engaged and fully present. These were times of unrestrained hope and dreams, and unabashed creativity. I fully felt, and very deeply…”

Yet there is something cringe and unholy about wanting to find joy in spite of, in, or through my pain that has always made my spirit recoil because at best it seemed so fake and contrived — at worst, a cutting betrayal to very valid wrongs and hurt. That’s when the invisible assailant from darker times shows up. He is the bringer of all things gloom and doom. He taps into my rawest most visceral fears and insecurities. The disruptive thoughts, fears, and angst? All him.

He shows up when I’m trying to do things like go the gym or a walk, listen to music, engage in an enjoyable activity, or otherwise attempting to do something productive and beneficial. He tries to convince me that there’s somewhere else I need to be although it’s never clear where that “somewhere else” is. He tells me there are “better” things I could be doing with my time, though it’s never clear what those things are. And he reminds me of everything that has gone wrong up until now and everything that could go wrong if I try to simply live, although — to no one’s surprise — here too it’s never clear exactly what that is. At any given point he’ll say things like why bother, what’s the point, you’re wasting time, it’s not doable or achievable, just give up and call it a life.

Most of all, he’s quick to “affirm” that if I try to live outside my pain, I am invalidating very real wrongs. If I try to push back on any of his lies he puts what feels like a very real gun to my head and orders me to stop trying. I don’t know how to explain the dynamic other than it feels very real. And it works. I cower and freeze — mentally and physically. I stop trying, in spite of my heartfelt desire to do these good things or stay present.

There is a lot more to unpack about this paralyzing dynamic but for the purpose of living present and engaged, I’ll just say that when I realized what was happening, I created a list of truth affirmations in direct defiance to the lies that kept me stagnant. These are the truth reminders I embrace and play on loop in my mind as I go into 2024:

I am working towards a worthy goal

I am not wasting time

I am where I need to be right now. There is nowhere else I need to be

This[goal/project/activity]is good for me

This is a tangible and achievable goal

I’m not missing out on anything more important

This [goal/project/activity] is part of my healing process

This is the best possible use of my time right now

The more I focus the sooner I am free

I absolutely CAN and WILL do this

I will.

I’ll be honest: there is still an element of unholy cringe at the thought of seeking joy in spite of, but I think it’s because our collective concept of what joy is supposed to look like is warped. Joy doesn’t have to be flowers, rainbows, balloons, and butterflies. That’s where the cringe is: in grandiose displays that come across as fake and contrived. But joy doesn’t need to prove itself.

Seeking joy and being present can simply be putting one foot in front of the other without much fanfare or expectation. It can be choosing self-discipline over self-indulgence (this one’s brutally hard, I admit it). It can be choosing to be proactive rather than reactive. It can be choosing long-term self-care over short-term fixes. It can be honing and clarifying values and priorities, and setting boundaries.

It can also be quietly mourning losses while at the same time not allowing that grief to run your life, and courageously coming to a place of letting go of what could have been and choosing to work with what is, even if what is doesn’t feel a certain way. And it can even be allowing yourself a good cry — and as often as needed — without allowing the tears to cloud a greater vision for your future.

To be clear: this isn’t meant to be an abstract, weepy, or woe is me kind of post. I have very tangible goals and plans that I am actively pursuing. I am working very hard to move from surviving to thriving. My days are long and exhausting. I want better things for myself in every area of my life, but that “better” starts by living fully present and engaged in the here and now. Ultimately, living fully present and engaged is one of the best ways to reclaim stolen territory — emotionally, spiritually, and even materially.

And as we move into the holidays, it also occurs to me that being ‘present’ is the best Christmas ‘present’ I can give myself, and one that will reap greater gifts well beyond 2024.