"Falling” into a new season
I felt the first twinges of fall last week. It was equal parts longing, loneliness, nostalgia, and pure magic.
But it also made me sad. In spite of much of the garbage from the past that I am letting go of, by virtue of nothing more than youth and its inherent vitality and resilience in said past, I used to experience fall, and life itself I suppose, with an emotional intensity, vibrancy and fullness that can only be described as magical. I was fully engaged and fully present.
These were times of unrestrained hope and dreams, and unabashed creativity. I fully felt, and very deeply, both the good and the bad. The sights, sounds, and smells of fall were a big part of the nostalgic magic, as expressed in this excerpt from a nature themed narrative I wrote for one of my classes:
The smell of woodsmoke wafting through the crisp autumn air transported me to places and experiences I have yet to visit, both in the real world and in my imagination (but I know they’re there). I was awed by the depth and perfectly imperfect marbling of the rich and varied hues of red, orange, brown and yellow in contentedly crusty autumn leaves merrily pirouetting and bopping about on drab slabs of modern sidewalks on a breezy day. The opulent turquoise skies of late October infused my heart with a longing for romance and love not of this world.
And then there was the childlike awe at the absolute artistic perfection of the bejeweled burgundies, purples, ambers, oranges and garnets of pansies and other flowers scattered throughout some of my favorite places around town. To look at them with a shred of wonder for even a moment was to gaze into a bottomless ocean of color so rich and so intense they might lure you into another dimension of timeless beauty. The colors were utterly mesmerizing and luxurious. Those pansies live rent free in my mind’s eye forever.
Fall was also when I had my first kiss at the age of 17. And up until a few years ago, music, especially during fall, used to stir my soul and transported me to other times and places. It gave me hope and just made me feel happy and connected to the world around me.
But in the last several years, however, Fall has hit so differently. The chronic toxic stress from The Awkward Years, the pandemic and its aftermath, and soooo many private back to back struggles sapped the joy from it. Music became nothing more than random ugly noise; my ears and my spirit rejected it, all of it.
And rather than filling my heart with hope and happy nostalgia, Fall evoked a dark, dystopian sense of imprisonment; as if I was caged in darkness looking out to something bright and beautiful without being able to be a part of it. Fall was a painful reminder of how deeply I used to feel, and how engaged and present I used to be, especially during good times when I was thriving.
Cue the “well-meaning” but tone deaf comments like, “Well, Cynthia… you can make it whatever you want it to be.” Yes and no. No, because sometimes life happens in such a way where certain things aren’t as black and white or as easy as “just” choosing something different and it’s done. That’s not how life works. We all process life differently; we are affected by things that happen to and around us and sometimes it takes a long time to recognize it, process and to heal from it. But also yes, because that’s exactly what I’m working on.
So as I continue to build from scratch and adjust to many new normals I am also reclaiming Fall. When I felt its first twinges this year and it made me sad, I resolved to take it back, and all that goes with it; happy nostalgia, hope, the outdoors, blue skies, music, and connectedness to the world around me; all as part of a wider longing to feel myself again, and fully present and engaged in life. I long to feel like myself again, like the “me” when I was genuinely happy and thriving.
Here’s a glimpse into how I’m moving in that direction:
NO MEANS FREEDOM (edit): I am so so so glad I have stuck to my decision to step away from freelance writing, at least for a long while. It was brought a much needed sense of peace and freedom and unclogged mental blockages that were keeping me stuck in second. Gen Z and Alphas may kindly look up what that means (not that Gen Z or Alphas would be reading Gen X content, but I digress). No other attempt to move forward would be effective if I was still trying to make it work.
GOING BACK: Still in awe that I completed two upper division college courses over the summer and that I am enrolled in another two this fall. Unlike the first two, both fall classes are in person which I’m glad about as it will get me out of the house more. Last week was the first week of class and I really enjoyed both. As I sat in my second class last week I had a heavy heart because of some of the personal issues I’m dealing; things that as I’ve mentioned before, seem to have no foreseeable end in sight but that I’ve had to come to terms with. However, as I sat in class genuinely enjoying the material and thinking about what being there represented (progress), I felt a twinge of healing in my heart, like the past and the bad stuff were slowly falling off and losing their power. I knew I was where I needed to be.
NEW NORMAL: One of the hardest paradigm adjustments I’ve had to make has been surrounding my mom’s dementia, and so many new realities that came with it. This was actually a huge catalyst for the awakening that started last year. The biggest adjustment is doing life without her even though she’s still alive, and learning to relate to her in a whole new way. I will cover this in a separate post because it’s its own story. It’s been brutal but I’m finally coming to a place of full acceptance and finding an emotional rhythm in this new normal.
NEW ENDEAVORS: I’m exploring new income earning possibilities and working on some meaningful projects to make it happen. It’s all out of my comfort zone but I’ve realized that comfort zones are like abusive partners: they convince you to stay where you are and that it’s for your own good, when in its actually holding you back and harming you. More to come.
HELLO SUNSHINE: As I mentioned in my last post, I really need to get outdoors more. My outdoor walks took a massive hit during the last few years. I love the sunshine, fresh air, and sense of engagement and connectedness to the world around me. But over these last few seasons of non-stop struggle, walking fell to the wayside. I hit a massive mental wall or blockage where I simply stopped doing it in spite of my intense desire to do so. I felt chained to my seat so to speak whenever I had the urge to go outside. I have some thoughts and theories as to why/how that happened but we’ll unpack those another day. The blockage hasn’t lifted entirely but as I adopt and adjust to new mindsets and let go of the past, I am getting there.
THE MAIN COURSE: As real and valid as all these emotional and mental challenges have been, and I don’t want to downplay or minimize them, what I am most excited about and committed to is staying focused on my physical health and wellness goals no matter how challenging or discouraging it gets. I believe there is dignity, empowerment, and self-respect in prioritizing physical health. A big part of my life overhaul process this year has included significantly changing how and what I eat. In spite of frequent setbacks I feel like I have made something of a fundamental paradigm shift internally to keep striving for improvement, and with a respectable amount of hope that these changes are permanent.
The boring food concept has been a game changer for me. Over time I’ve slowly been decluttering my pantry and fridge of lots of extras and focusing on single ingredient foods to keep things as fresh and simple as possible. These are my current staple boring foods:
Fresh and frozen and fruits & veggies - Berries are my favorite frozen fruit hands down and I always have them on hand. Fresh bananas, oranges, and pineapple are up there too. Veggies vary based on what’s available and what I’m in the mood for.
Basmati rice - I will never go back to any other rice. Basmati rice is amazing. I recently purchased a 10lb bag from a local Indian grocery store. I’m learning how to cook it really well in a variety of ways and it’s been not so much life changing as life giving.
Beans and lentils - Pretty self-explanatory. They go a long way and are super nutritious.
Protein - Over the last year I’ve been intentionally increasing my protein intake and it’s made a huge difference in how I feel. Ground beef and eggs are my staples. I love love love eggs. They are really filling and sustain me. They are one of my grounding foods; when I’m feeling wonky they help my mind and body reset. I also recently discovered the joys of drumsticks and bone-in chicken breasts. They are super economical and go a long way. Also on rotation: Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, and regular grass fed milk.
Grass fed butter - I use it both as a spread and to cook. No more processed oils here.
Oats, nuts and seeds - Love my overnight oats with chia, ground flax, frozen berries, sliced frozen bananas, and Vivo Life Vegan Protein (affiliate link). I also have a variety of other nuts and seeds that I grind up in smoothies or to sprinkle over salads.
Kodiak Protein Pancake Mix - This mix (affiliate link) has been a game changer too, and so yummy.
Condiments - Lately it’s been mostly common staples like mayo, mustard, ketchup, teriyaki sauce, A1, sweet and spicy BBQ sauce (affiliate link), Frank’s Red Hot (affiliate link), and other random seasonings. And for these I go all conventional. I’ve learned to pick my battles and I’d rather invest in quality protein and fresh foods than stress about condiments, for now at least.
Carbs - Random rotations of sweet potatoes, potatoes, pasta, and various bread or tortillas, whatever is available and I’m in the mood for.
I also want to start using the Lose It! app again to track my food and exercise. I started using it during a good time in my life and I really enjoyed it and benefited from it. Using it reconnects me that time and it seriously does keep me in check by showing exactly what and how much I’m consuming. It just works really well for me. The gym is also a very grounding place and time for me and one that fell to the wayside too, unfortunately. I look forward to getting back to the gym to work on strength training.
HOWEVER…
None of these worthy endeavors and goals will amount too much unless I put myself on a daily and weekly routine and stick to it. I need to be intentional about creating a routine for work, school, rest, food prep, housekeeping, exercise, and personal time, in a way where everything (mostly) gets done right and nothing is getting neglected, as has been the case before. I am now at a place of mental clarity and resolve where I know what I need and how to do it. I’m longing so much for flow, consistency, and a shred of relative predictability.
FALLING UP
As far as the fall weather itself, I will be washing my cooler weather clothing and bringing out my thick warm blankets which I will need very soon. I also need to be hyper vigilant about reducing the risk of sickness by upping my fruits and veggies, busting out my favorite hot teas, charcoal, and frequent handwashing. I’ve learned that I cannot take certain things for granted anymore.
So as crunchy golden leaves begin to “Fall” down this season, I continue to “Fall” upwards into a new season in life with renewed clarity, new priorities, and much needed paradigm shifts. Here’s to blue skies, toasty blankets, and flickers of hope.
