What I’m Thankful For
Much like living present and engaged in spite of heartache, I have a similar dynamic with gratitude. It’s not that I’m not aware of or grateful for many things, but it’s hard for me to express them in a way that doesn’t seem like a cutting betrayal to or minimization of the things that cause me pain, or that doesn’t come across fake and contrived.
All the same, during the autumn season and Thanksgiving I have usually enjoyed creating a list of things I’m grateful for. It’s easy to do so during happy times of course. But this year, for the first time, in spite of ongoing hardships and processing painful emotions, meaningful private victories have been gained that are making it “easier” to focus on gratitude in spite of the hardships. Here’s this year’s list, both serious stuff and not so serious stuff.
More than anything, I am so grateful that I went back to school and for everything that has come with it. It has been the single best thing I have ever done for myself in a long time — perhaps ever. You can read about that here. When days are really hard, I remind myself that I am livng in the middle of that enormous blessing and that it will pay off. And along with going back to school….
Restarting this blog and writing consistently over the last year has also been game changing. It has been incredibly cathartic, healing, and empowering. It’s helped me identify, clarify, and process in an almost tangible way that has spilled over into my daily life. And, along with school, I feel like it’s giving me a whole new set of legs to to stand on.
Owning my voice here and now, on my own platform where I can write whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want, and no one can tell me what to do.
That many blinders came off and that I see things for what they are, not what I want them to be.
For full use of my mind and body, and the ability to get up and do life every day, tear-jerking as it may be.
Letting go of mindsets and practices that no longer serve me, such as freelance writing.
Coming to better understand what it means to “trust the process”, that almost everything is a process and that’s there’s no legit way around it. That’s just the way it is.
My new iPhone 14 Pro Max after six long years with a 7, which is like 192 in tech years.
New (to me) treat discoveries such as boba smoothies from a local mom and pop, and trenta refreshers from Starbucks.
Learning to cook at home in new ways with new (to me) foods.
That though there are days, and even weeks, when I fail miserably, and that it’s been a slow process (see what I mean?) I am fundamentally changing the way I eat.
That most of the bad stuff and a lot of the fallout is further and further behind me.
I am NOT thankful for the events and circumstances that led to pain and crushing disappointment, but I am thankful for the growth and learning that has come from it.
I’m thankful for hope—fickle and elusive as it may be.
I will no doubt be returning to this post after publication to edit and add. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do that. But for now, I’ll leave it here because almost anything else I could say would likely fall under one of these items. Overall, I’m just really really thankful for meaningful personal victories that may not be as glam or fun as bigger obvious blessings, but I sense that the less fun stuff now may be paving the way to the obvious fun stuff that will hopefully be coming down the road later. Time will tell.
