“The horrors persist…

“…but so do I.”

A phrase that perfectly captures the first months of 2024. It hasn’t been easy. Stuff happened, and new stuff happens regularly — stuff that pushes the limits of my sanity and brings me to the brink of despair. Stuff that makes me wonder if anything will ever truly get better; if there truly is an “other side” waiting for me, or if I am doomed for a life of awkward and personal dystopia in spite of my best efforts. GAH!

(Spoiler: post ends on a happy note, I promise)

But I’m incredibly thankful to be where I am in terms of school. It remains the single best thing I’ve ever done for myself in over a decade. In spite of my many private battles I don’t even want to think about what would be of me right now were it not for school, all other circumstances being what they are. I know I am being redundant by saying over and over how thankful I am for school but I can’t help it — it was nothing less than a God ordained rescue helicopter that plucked me out of a raging storm in the middle of the open ocean. So when I think about where I might be in terms of my state of mind or the inevitable direction my life would be headed were it not striving for this worthy goal, I cringe and recoil. 

Rather than hope, I wouldn’t so much be feeling hopeless as much as wallowing in and internalizing it. It would be driving me to a place of complacency, if not entirely giving up on life as I know it (and then I would definitely be doomed to an awkward dystopian life). I’d be allowing myself to be stepped on and pushed around by people, circumstances, and arbitrary and unprincipled externally imposed expectations. I never would have had the insight and fortitude to step away from freelance writing even though it was costing me more than it was giving back. In my personal life I would be making decisions based on loneliness and sentimentalism rather than truth and self-respect. I’d be seeking dopamine highs from pointless but easy pursuits and activities. I would be living needy and reactive rather than empowered and proactive.

And what that empowerment looks like right now is completing my third quarter, including passing an equivalency exam in journalism, which was HUGE. Apart from saving a ton of money by not having to take the class itself, passing this exam was incredibly redemptive and validating that my 10 years at the paper, and all the good things that came with it, not only counted for something but would help me build a meaningful future. The process included an oral exam, writing two articles, and producing a short podcast plus creating a logo for it. I don’t often think, much less say, this about myself, but I was really proud of all of it — especially the podcast. I’m fairly certain a new podcast was born.

I have a much better understanding why education is so important, and why it has been maliciously withheld from many throughout history, and particularly from women. Education imparts not only knowledge but also dignity, self-worth, and self-respect, which in turn leads to empowered decision-making with a side of boldness, please.

The process of obtaining an education builds up the human mind and spirit in a way that few other things can. It is in fact the greatest earthly equalizer, the ultimate being the foot of the cross. It brings freedom from oppression in its various forms. It gives us options we might not have otherwise. Education is what opens our eyes and emboldens us to say, “Umm… I don’t think so.” This is why tyrants and dictators despise it, and why good people benefit from it.

The process of getting an education has also wrought a lot of personal and emotional healing from deep and significant hurts in a very tangible way. It didn’t so much bring about or cause the healing itself but the sense of dignity and hope it started filling me with, in conjunction with other spiritually focused learning, helped pave the way to make me ready to receive the healing, if that makes sense. I’m comfortable saying it was a catalyst for healing.

So yes — here I go again, for the -nth time — going back to school has been revolutionary. It really did activate something deep inside me that can only be called empowerment, as I shared in this post. It has enabled me to advocate and to stand up for myself in every area of my life in a way I never have before, including when it comes to dealing with opposition. In fact, I sense that the fact that I am not backing down from this worthy goal may be ruffling feathers. Good. More feathers for my cap.

All the same, life is not fun right now. Apart from school, I’m carefully navigating lots of moving parts; the nuts and bolts of my day-to-day life are tedious and often demoralizing, starting with waking up at 4 a.m. five days a week to go to work. Mornings can be existentially wretched. I go without a lot of things. There is still a lot of uncertainty and I struggle to live up to my 2024 word of the year — Present which is about living present and engaged. I hate to admit that many days I still feel a dark cloud hanging over me. The struggle isn’t just real, it’s exhausting.

But also…

By the end of summer I will have earned my degree — mind blown. I’ve paused actively pursuing certain personal goals until I’m done with school. I’m not giving up on them or not doing anything at all towards them. But school — for it to deliver everything it promises — has to be the priority right now. In spite of how exhausted I am and how demoralized I feel most of the time, I am learning to stay focused on the practical steps that need to be taken to achieve meaningful long term goals in spite of how I feel.

I don’t have to feel a certain way to take certain actions. Imagine that. I’m even allowed to cry while taking those noble actions, and that’s the whole point: Not allowing feelings to keep me from doing. Learning to hold opposing thoughts and/or feelings in tension with one another has been paradigm shifting for me and has enabled Titanic’s tiny rudder to turn just enough to avoid the iceberg.

NEXT STEPS

I’ll be on Spring break from school, but still working. Even though I’ll still be waking up at 4 a.m. to work, at least I’ll be able to nap more often and just breathe a little before Spring quarter starts. And after that, the next few weeks will be really busy ones. I’ll be taking three classes and one more equivalency Spring quarter. I’ll probably be MIA again for a while but, by the grace of God, will have a lot to show for it next time. What I may be doing is updating my Simply Social page from time to time with short snippets and a few photos now and then. I’ve really enjoyed having my own self-contained feed that allows for social style sharing without creating a whole blog post or to do it on the big chaotic platforms. It’s also in keeping with the idea of making the most of what I have, and I have this platform.

I want to go into Spring quarter with an even more proactive mindset so that I don’t slip into a dark headspace, no matter how hard things get. I hate it. I go into what I think could loosely be called a dissociated state. I’m glad however, that I’ve identified key triggers so that I can better navigate it when it does happen. I want to fully unpack this paralyzing dynamic some other time as a way of helping others who might be go through the same thing. I touched on it briefly in this post.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about certain things I’ve been learning that I want to flesh out into structured and useful content down the road. And the podcast? Yeah, it’s definitely going to happen, along with a YouTube channel. The YouTube channel is up and running but not very structured right now, just getting the hang of how to do it but I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve also been working, as time allows, on a website for a new endeavor.

So yes, the horrors — the very real and incredibly exhausting horrors — persist, but so do I.

So. Do. I.

Here’s to crushing goals and ruffling feathers.