I did a little something...
On Sunday, June 16, I graduated with my bachelor’s Degree in Liberal Arts with a concentration in writing and communication. EEEK!
Only took me 30 years.
I’m processing a messy mixed bag of bittersweet emotions but mostly overwhelming gratitude. I think that’s the clincher for me: Gratitude. I’m so glad I did this. Going back to school and completing this goal has been the single best thing I’ve done for myself in half of forever.
Quick rundown of how it went…
I can’t believe how fast time whizzed by. At this exact time last year, I was barely inquiring about the possibility of going back to school, not thinking anything would come of it. I was so utterly disillusioned and beat down existentially and physically exhausted. But about three weeks into my first session, it hit me how going back to school was the best decision I’d ever made for myself. More background here.
The quarters flew by. My last quarter was a hairy beast. I was enrolled in three classes and doing the work of a fourth in preparation for a second equivalency exam. It got so hard near the end, I thought of quitting, which I know sounds insane. And when I say hard, I’m not just talking about school, I mean waking up at 4 am to be at work at 5, resting a spell after work (sometimes even napping in my car), eating, schoolwork, class three nights a week and then doing it all over again the next day. And amid that, dealing with difficult personal matters which, if I’m completely honest, was probably the most oppressive downer, much more than school and work. My greatest comfort was the knowledge that I was working towards a meaningful goal, something with real muscle behind it, something foundational and lasting.
So obviously, no, I didn’t quit. What did happen though is that I gained clearer vision of what I wanted for my post Ground Zero life and a better understanding of why it’s so important to never give up on seeking a better quality of life. More on that in a bit. I became keenly aware of an internal refinement process taking place that I can’t fully articulate other than to say I knew it was happening; a process where I felt crusty old mindsets crumbling, where human dignity and self-respect were being restored, values and priorities honed, and preferences clarified and a much greater sense of self-awareness.
When I sat back down in my seat after walking across the podium to shake hands and get my diploma it sank in how completing my degree was truly life-changing. It wasn’t necessarily about the book knowledge itself, though there was a lot of that and incredibly enriching, but more about the discipline, structure, and refinement that a formal education offers. And that’s what I’ve been basking in lately – how necessary, foundational, and paradigm shifting this process and accomplishment were for me, internally first and foremost, and that I really did it. I have something. I’m also basking in frequent napping without time constraints and having mental bandwidth and energy to now focus on other things, like writing here again.
As I’ve been reflecting, it also occurred to me is that 2024 marks a full decade from when everything started going downhill, the beginning of The Awkward Years, and subsequent intangible losses and crushing disappointments that spiraled me into an unprecedented faith and existential crisis about two years ago. 2024 marks a full circle moment in that the end of a horrifically painful decade with what is hopefully the beginning of a new beginning. I cringe and recoil at the thought of how I would be experiencing going into a new decade were it not for this accomplishment. I feel ready to move forward in a way I never have before. There’s a sense of wholeness and completeness that was previously lacking and I’m here for it.
What now?
Apart from unapologetic napping and looking for a better job, I’m going to start picking up where I left off, by revisiting personal and day-to-day matters I’d put on the backburner in order to focus on school, like reevaluating my skin and makeup routine (it’s definitely time for a glow up), sorting through my books deciding what to keep and what to donate, planning YouTube content, a podcast (I already have one episode recorded!), learning Russian (yes, really), reviewing my socials and doing some digital housekeeping, green juicing, and reviewing a number of nitty gritty personal matters that have caused me great pain but that I now feel ready to tackle and resolve from a place of empowerment and proactivity rather than vulnerability and reactivity.
Most importantly…
My next big project, now with a solid internal foundation to build on, is working on myself physically and financially. I wasn’t wrong in the past for embarking on a Fresh Start Course Correction journey but, in retrospect, I realize that a lot of these worthy endeavors would never come to full fruition while I was struggling financially and without the empowerment, discipline, structure, and credibility that getting my degree offered. In saying that, I’m not telling anyone they have to go to school, but it was definitely true for me.
As I mentioned earlier, one of the greatest takeaways from the going back to school experience was the understanding of how important it is to never give up on striving for a better quality of life in all areas. And for me, having a better quality of life started by going back to school and finishing my degree but also includes striving to improve my finances and getting fit and healthy once and for all.
There are so many voices that tell us that seeking something better is greedy and selfish, or that being broke and unfit is just a “normal” part of life. I call these mindsets deified dysfunction and sanctified sickness. We have so normalized debt, lack, chronic relational conflict, chronic illness, and chronic chaos as a way of life to the point of deifying and sanctifying them.
We often call them God’s will or come up with distorted interpretations of scripture to justify complacency for the the exact opposite of what Scripture actually promotes: health and wellness. I unequivocally reject that mindset. I wrote about this very thing in this blog post but I want to revisit it more in depth in the future. I just know I want something better and would rather go down pursuing it than becoming complacent with less.
So all of that is to say…
The past is over, I accomplished something pretty awesome, and it’s all about the present and the future now. I am still dealing with a lot of uncertainty and hardship — and perhaps may be for a long while — but now with a newfound sense of hope and determination to keep striving in a better way for something better. It almost doesn’t even matter if that better outcome is ever achieved because the greater victory is in the not giving up. That’s what I realized. There is so much dignity and self-respect in simply in not giving up, no matter how hard it gets and regardless of the outcome.
Here’s to a future of more and better somethings..
