First — I’m tired. So very tired. At the end of the week, even good weeks, I’m so physically worn out and beat down I literally do nothing, despite my overwhelming desire to do something; anything remotely resembling useful or practical, like washing dishes; or enjoyable, including writing here. But if you’re reading this, clearly I managed to do one of those things. Yay me. Sorry, dishes.

The only thing I can say about my summer is… I’m still standing. In August I came down with COVID for the first time (Goliath finally took me down) after spending nearly four days in the hospital with my mom who also had it for the first time. Neither of us had any complications and we both had relatively easy and speedy recoveries, apart from a lingering cough and mild shortness of breath for me.

Despite having no complications, what COVID looked like for me is being fully out of commission for nearly two weeks. Fortunately, I was well enough to take care of myself at home on my own, including getting lots of rest. But in spite of feeling generally ok, I wasn’t well enough to focus on school and I fell dangerously behind in my Advanced Grammar class, to the point of thinking I might have to do a retroactive withdrawal and take it later. Fortunately, my instructor gave me a lot of grace, including a generous extension.

Between trying to make ends meet, getting sick, a strong bout of peri symptoms (iykyk), and trying to finish my class — as much as I hate to admit it even to myself — the invisible assailant started snickering and coercing his way back into my head. He tried to convince me to give up on the class; to chill for a while, and try again later.

The mere thought of not having the mental stress of classwork was so cathartic but, no; not completing the class was out of the question. I knew I would lose momentum, the process would drag out, and I might even be tempted to put school off entirely and thus, delaying my degree. So bro was told where to go and I successfully completed the class with an A minus.

The material itself was enjoyable and I learned a lot, but the work was grueling; 11 weeks worth of work crammed into five weeks had I not fallen behind, but closer to three weeks because I did. On several occasions I spent anywhere from eight to 12 hours a day churning out the work but it was worth it. When it was over, I was at peak ripeness for a total meltdown but was so incredibly glad that I hadn’t given in to the ugly voices telling me to quit.

Unfortunately, due to other circumstances, I still have one class left which I’m completing during fall quarter, so my degree will be awarded in December instead of August. I’m breathing much easier since the grammar class is over, however, and the fall quarter has not been particularly stressful as it more of an independent study and Zoom situation. I actually have time to breathe a bit now, and I’m starting to feel my body and head decompressing somewhat from the mental load, which feels amazing. So yes, in the overarching, big picture sense, going back to school, and all the empowerment and dignity that came with it, remains the single best decision I’ve ever made and one I will never regret. That’s the bright side. But all the same…

I am ready for school to be over!

The bright side came with a dark side in terms of taking a lot out of me mentally and physically, including prolonging an already protracted survival mode struggle with all the material deprivation and existential angst that comes with that. It meant having zero life outside of school or work, and a sinkful of dirty dishes during most of it. I had to lay all personal projects aside entirely to focus on classwork (and just staying sane and on task), I was not eating healthy, and I had zero energy or bandwidth for walks or the gym. All of it combined was really wearing on me.

All worthy endeavors take time and require a challenging amount of effort and sacrifice — I get that — but I am ready to take my life back! I want my bandwidth back. I want myself back. I have often felt so enslaved and consumed by the process, including waking up at 4 to go to work, that it was/is hard to see past it. What has gotten me through is knowing that I’m working on something not just worthwhile but also foundational for my life, regardless of where I end up professionally. And most of all, knowing that I’m being proactive rather than reactive and that, in spite of having to remind myself often, knowing that this is temporary. I’m learning to take things as they come and not stress too much about what’s next (aka: living present) but yes, I am very ready to hold that diploma in my hands and move on. So in that regards, December cannot get here soon enough.

***

In spite of horrid, albeit unsurprising, unseasonably hot weather, the air has changed. There’s an ever so slight crispness to it that lets me know fall is here. That too: I’m ready to enjoy fall again and to immerse myself fully in the earthy, visceral nostalgia it brings. In fact, my grammar class involved different types of original creative writing and fall was a recurring theme in my work, work which I hope to build upon and publish.

This is also the time of year when I start reflecting on the past year and thinking about my Word of the Year for the following year. Speaking of which, how’d Present, my 2024 word, pan out? As the word implies, my goal for 2024 was to live as present and engaged in the here and now without dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Did I live up to it? That’s a whole other post, coming soon.

But, yeah…

There is still so much ahead of me. There is still so much uncertainty about the future. There are so many things I wish would change for the better right now, that would significantly lighten my mental and physical load even more. And there are still so many “Why” questions from the past, and even some of the present, that fuel a lot of bitterness if I don’t keep myself in check.

But I have found that the best way to keep negativity at bay is by focusing on what is in my power to act on today. Sometimes we long so much to feel better right now (and justifiably so) that we get lost inside our own heads trying to make it happen, which creates a vicious cycle of feeling worse and staying stuck. I’ve learned that sometimes practical action is the most spiritually and emotionally healing thing we can do for ourselves. Going back to school was just that for me; practical action that saved me from a life of pointless rumination and bitterness, and cleared a pathway for light and long term healing and thriving to have a fighting chance.

So as 2024 and school wind down, and I have a bit more time and headspace, I’m looking forward to focusing even more on actionable things I can control rather on those I can’t, such as getting more outdoor time, staying consistent with my boring food approach to eating, and doing a bit more reading and personal reflection. I also have fresh produce in the fridge waiting to be juiced and, last time I checked, there is no dark side to enjoying an ice cold glass of freshly made green juice.