When optimism and cynicism collide
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I’m a mixed bag of peaceful optimism and dark cynicism right now. The last few months brought on a massive faith and existential crisis where the best way I can do life is simply putting one foot in front of the other day in and day out without expectation of any kind of extraordinary outcome. If I start to think too deeply, ask too many questions, or try to figure stuff out it disrupts my day to day mental flow.
As cynical as I am, I actually take comfort in the fact that God sees right through me and that I can’t hide from Him. Sometimes that knowledge alone suffices as a prayer when I have nothing left to say, and brings enough comfort to just leave my thoughts there for Him to unpack and figure out for me.
I’m in a huge life transition and nothing is business as usual anymore. I’m adjusting expectations, tweaking daily routines and finding new normals in just about everything from how I do laundry to how I process disappointment.
Part of that is regularly asking myself, what am I going to do with what I have rather than what I would want. I’m so far past believing with any degree of sincerity or hope that anything I actually want will ever happen. (See, I told you I’m really cynical right now. I accept it. It’s keeping me sane and grounded.) It could, I suppose. And it’s not that I don’t want anything. I do. But I’ll take sanity, consistency, and peace of mind over “wanting” much of anything else right now.
What’s really working for me is focusing on practical and actionable steps that align with specific goals, habits and practices that breed said sanity, consistency, and peace of mind. Getting healthy is one of those goals. Life just keeps reinforcing in me that I simply cannot give up on my physical fitness goals. That’s where it’s at for me, at all costs; staying the course no matter how challenging it gets or impossible it seems.
So in that spirit, here’s what I’ve been up to.
REALITY CHECK: It hit me I’m still wearing many of the the same clothing items from five years ago, meaning I haven’t progressed much in my fitness goals. Some of them fit looser and I did go down one jean size. Good for me. But overall, if the clothing items still have ample frame on which to hang, I have not progressed enough. It also hit me that some of those clothing items are remnants from The Awkward Years, which means they are reminders of unpleasant times and places. That’s an even stronger motivation to push forward in my goals of shrinking out of them so I can put them in the garbage once and for where they belong, literally and figuratively.
REALIZING: The accumulated sedentarism and toxic stress of the pandemic and the god awful Awkward Years that preceded it really did a number on me physically and mentally, much more than I’d realized. Those back to back periods of time seem to have activated what I believe to be epigenetic triggers that have made it exponentially more difficult to resume consistent physical activity in spite of my best efforts to implement new habits and mindsets. It could partially explain why I have not progressed as much as I’d like in my fitness goals after that first initial drop. I will share more about this in a future post. But for now, awareness is enough to start taking action. This might actually be a good place to implement Mel Robbins’ 5 Second Rule for getting to the gym.
LOVING: Still loving MAC Hyper Real Skincare, it’s that good. Also loving freshly made green juice from a recently discovered mom & pop place in my neighborhood (and very reasonably priced). Also loving sunnier days, the iPhone Reminders app for staying on track mentally about pretty much everything, and the way my space looks and feels now that I’ve refreshed my bedding for spring and rearranged my bed. And can’t get enough of these peach apricot bars and these amazing cherry almond bites.
NOT LOVING: Gnats. They are out in full force GAH!
LEARNING: I recently learned the difference between choice and prime labels on steak. One day in the Costco meat aisle I casually remarked audibly, “I wonder what the difference is between choice and prime” and a nice older Italian man overheard and took me to school. He said he was a retired meat cutter, and he broke it down. Based on his explanation, I went with the prime. Having already tried choice, prime is where it’s at from now on, hands down.
EATING: Greek yogurt mixed with Vivo Life Vegan Protein or frozen blueberries, and mediterranean grilled chicken skewers from Costco. I love that the skewers are minimally processed and use olive oil instead of seed oils. They are really good and super versatile. And of course, prime sirloin from Costco as a primary source of protein.
ENJOYING: I’m loving carrying around my little old school Canon powershot camera and taking random photos the way I used to back in the day. There’s just something about shooting with a camera rather than a phone that really resonates with me and helps me reconnect with what brings me joy.
SUMMER PREP: I am proactively preparing for summer mentally and physically so that the heat, which I’m much more sensitive to now, doesn’t do me in. I’m focusing on getting plenty of protein and staying hydrated now, as well as ensuring that I’m stocked up on nutritional essentials. I’m doing some heavy lifting now as far as getting my fridge and pantry cleaned and organized, as well as other household tasks, to make it as easy on myself during the hot summer months.
THINKING ABOUT: It’s time for personal and digital decluttering again. I’ve been decluttering physical junk pretty consistently over the last several years, so it won’t be an overwhelming task, I just know there’s stuff that needs to go. Also time to review my social media connections, practices, and presence as to better align with my overarching life goals. Regular digital/social/tech housekeeping and decluttering is as important as physical housekeeping for sanity and wellness and, in 2023 I dare say, probably more.
LOOKING FORWARD: Honing core values, processes, mindsets and approaches for this still evolving new season of life, including a food and nutrition overhaul. The overarching themes that are emerging all amount to focusing on what has proven to work well, on the things that matter long term(ie: investment mindset), and unceremoniously dumping that which does or is neither.
My brain is pretty loaded right now. I’m just so ready to move on from so much garbage and simply feel like-look like-be myself again. Apart from other wellness and personal goals, I already took an important first step which was deciding to stop writing professionally as a means of primary income, as ironic as that sounds. It just wasn’t working for me anymore. You can read more about that here.
Here’s to new beginnings as often as we need them.
