Becoming: It's ok to change
It's ok to change.
It's ok to not like things you used to like before. It's ok to like things you didn't like before. Big things and little things. Foods, activities, music, style. It's ok to change your mind about all of them.
It's ok to admit that you were wrong about a lot of things or to realize that the proverbial "it", whatever it happens to be, just doesn't work for you anymore.
It's ok to grow up. It's ok not to think, behave and live the same way you did when you were 20, 30 or 40 or whatever number a long time ago was for you.
Imagine that.
It's ok not to do what everyone else is doing, or to follow all the "supposed tos" that for so long guilted and coerced you into staying stuck in something that wasn't right for you, or right at all.
Yes, it's ok to change. Just like that.
Except, it's rarely "just like that". It could be in some cases, I suppose. But usually it's been a quiet process gently percolating just underneath the surface that one day, finally manifests itself.
It's called transformation.
When it's as a result of a conscious, moment by moment choice to consecrate your life to God, not only is it pretty awesome, it's very much God's will for you. And that includes every part, every detail of your life.
For me, nowhere was this concept more apparent than it was in my work.
Contrary to what all shiny, dime a dozen "success" gurus tweet all day long, it's ok not to want bigger, better and more of it when it comes to your career. It's ok not to want be a #bossbabe.
"Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may be able to prove what is the perfect and acceptable will of God." Romans 12:2
If you did something really well for a long time, it doesn't mean that's what you have to do forever and it doesn't mean you're automatically "supposed to" want what is traditionally considered a natural progression from it.
In my case, as a journalist, I was "supposed to" want to move on to a big paper like the New York Times. Or create my own glossy PR agency. Or go into politics, as some folks from back in the day actually suggested. Or be a real life Carrie Bradshaw, or in any other ways move on to what is, by popular definition, more, bigger and better.
I envisioned myself doing big things in an almost jet setting kind of way because I thought that's what I was supposed to want as a natural progression from where I'd been and how well I'd done. In good faith, I pursued what I thought I was supposed to want. That's what I saw other seemingly successful people doing.
So I jumped through all the proverbial hoops. I marketed myself a certain way. I tried to fit myself into that tiny, unbending cookie cutter of what I thought I was supposed to want. I read books on marketing and PR. Nothing wrong with learning and self-improvement. And nothing wrong with those dreams in and of themselves, and good for whoever has them and turns them into a reality. Those dreams just weren't for me. And they just weren't... me. I was miserable.
The whole process felt so contrived and inauthentic, in a dystopian kind of way. It was part of what significantly contributed to what I refer to now as The Awkward Years, a really disconnected, disjointed, dystopian time in my life. Just remembering it makes me cringe and recoil at how utterly out of place, lost, and lonely I felt.
During that time, a few pretty meaningful opportunities did come my way but they didn't pan out. And I'm glad they didn't. And with most apparent disappointments, even those which appeared to be dream opportunities, came a low key sigh of relief and a clearer picture of what I didn't want for my life.
And, what I did want.
And what I wanted was freedom to just be myself and work in a way that worked for me.
Today, simplicity is my bigger.
Being a woman after God's own heart is my better.
Quieter is my more.
And the one element that brings them all together; authenticity. Just being myself, not a public image version of me, or a product of popular "shoulds." A coming together of preference, principle, and purpose, which is my definition of authentic.
Today, I want what fits and flows, not just what looks good on paper but makes me feel like I'm selling my soul. And truthfully, if it was true in 2014, it's even more true now: to actively pursue popular definitions of success, you do have to sell your soul to the matrix. That's just how it is. No thank you.
So yes, it's ok to change.
It's ok to want different things than what you thought you once wanted, things that may have been based solely on what popular narratives say you're supposed to be. It's not so much you changing as it is you becoming, by His grace, who He created you to be, even if doesn't make sense to anyone else or fit popular narratives of success. Popular narratives can go kick rocks.
And yes, it is ok to want bigger, better, and more, as long as you are the one that is defining that that bigger, better and more looks like based on your core values, timeless principles, and the things that truly bring you joy, but most importantly, God's ultimate will for your life.
