Spoiler: This piece starts out really dark, but ends… not so dark.

Draining the swamp

Think of it as Unclenching 2.0. A far less less flowery undignified version of it, perhaps a bit (ok, A LOT) cynical, but viscerally raw and honest.

I’m ending 2022 by draining my own swamp of everything that keeps me stuck mentally by coming to terms with many harsh truths, reverse affirmations, if you will, such as:

There is no help

There is no rescue 

There is no deliverance 

I’ve prayed all the prayers, done all things, said all the things, tried all the things, over and over and over to no avail. There are certain things that will simply not happen nor get better, period. Things may even keep getting worse. This… all of it… is my life. Expectations for anything better are absolute zero.

Sounds really dark and gnarly, doesn’t it?

As hopeless or negative as this seems, it’s actually been a good thing for me. I revel in them because they help me release everything that sets me up for disappointment. Repeating these “affirmations” helps me soldier on through painful trials by accepting what is without clinging hopelessly to what isn’t, such as when I spent this last Christmas Eve at urgent care with my elderly mom with dementia who was having unexplained pain.

No romance. No parties. No boxes with big red bows. No Christmas miracles. No happy surprises. No Hallmark Christmas movie happy ending. Not this year, not last year, the last 10, perhaps never. Oddly enough, reminding myself that “this” was it, actually helped me get through the holidays somewhat sane.

Draining the swamp 

That’s what a heart full of expectations is: A swamp. A massive puddle of static uselessness that over time breeds nothing but… I don’t know. What lives in a swamp? Slime? Fungus? Germs? Alligators? Bugs? Apologies to swamps themselves if they do serve a useful purpose. But yeah, that happens in hearts and brimming with expectations; they become a marshy habitat for perpetual disappointment.

Perhaps the things that hurt, torment, and derail me the most are my thorn in the flesh that for whatever reason only God knows, will never be removed. That’s a very bitter pill to swallow. Regardless, moving forward, clear-headed, rational, and principled thinking are my big wins. Not giving up on my health and wellness goals are a win. Doing the right things just because they’re right and breed a measure of sanity and self-worth are my motivation, detached from any sentimental longing or hope of any kind of outcome.

Draining the swamp

Maybe it’s a good thing. Like draining backed up pipes and sinks. I’m no master plumber but as far as I know there’s never a downside to draining those things. So with whatever scattered specks of fractured hope may still remain in my battle weary heart, perhaps draining my clogged up swampy heart of all the dreams that clearly weren’t meant for me, will make room for hopes and dreams that are.

I suppose there would be far worse ways to start a new year.