***LONG POST ALERT***

As time continues to put distance between yesterday’s uglies and (what’s looking like) prettier todays and tomorrows, I am gaining clarity and perspective. While my 2024 word of the year is Present, Clarity gets honorable mention. I want to see things for what they are as opposed to what I wish things were or think they’re not. I want to operate from a place of empowerment and proactivity rather than woundedness and reactivity. I realized that until a short time ago I was operating from a place of severe woundedness and disorientation, such as one might experience after taking a bat to the face. Whatever a bat to the face would do to someone mentally and physically is what the last several years did to me existentially.

Here’s how 2023 played out

Last fall I had a pivotal epiphany that became the basis for restarting this blog and doing life in a fundamentally different way — a north star if you will. A lot of things had come to a head for me and a new template for doing life emerged, which I refer to as course correction. It involved the following principles:

• Redirect, redirect, redirect

• Focus on nutrient dense foods

• Prioritize sleep

• Prioritize strength training

• Guard heart

• Prioritize prayer and Bible study

• Investment over spending

• Embrace the hustle

The primary point is the redirect, which meant I was determined to redirect all forms of negative emotions and experiences into good and worthwhile endeavors and habits. You can read about all that here. That was the plan, especially in regards to health and fitness. Things didn’t go as planned. I experienced a few more significant blows that in simplest terms, derailed me mentally more than anything.

Given how much disappointment had preceded it, that final blow took me out, sort of like the slightest breeze unhinging a massive avalanche. That’s when the invisible assailant showed up in my life again, keeping me fearful and imprisoned in my own mind, losing all my energy and motivation for going outdoors or the gym. I often felt a physical force holding me down. For the first time ever, I found myself in a severe faith and existential crisis that was disorienting and frightening. In retrospect, I realize that as bloodied and bruised as I was when these things happened, I was also at a place of greater self-awareness, and I was able to navigate it better than in times past. The best thing that came out of that “better” navigation was my decision to step away from freelance writing, at least for a long while, and my decision to go back to school.

I did the best I could with what I knew and had in 2023, and you can read some of my 2023 posts here. There was growth and learning, which is why this year is winding down in a bittersweet way. Bitter because other than school, nothing in my life is what I would have chosen for myself. None of it. As cautiously hopeful as I am about the future and for the isolated pockets of good things, the fact is I am still grieving many losses and still in a season of intense personal struggle. While I appreciate the growth, I am simply making the best of a bad situation. Perhaps in the future I may see things differently but for now, that’s where it’s at.

I want to be clear about that because I refuse to be someone who says they’re thankful for all the bad stuff because it made them who they are. Not me. I detest the bad stuff. I will never be glad it happened. But I am thankful for the growth. I can feel crushed and angry by the hurt and disappointment while simultaneously feeling thankful for the good that has come from it, they are not mutually exclusive. I’m learning that we can “hold opposing emotions in tension with each other,” as a friend described it in her own journey.

The sweetness comes in because in spite the bad stuff, important victories were gained and quantifiable steps taken forward, mainly that I’m doing well in school and nearly 80% to my degree. Sweet because of the sense of worth and empowerment that came from going back to school, I feel the bad stuff losing its chokehold — bad people, the ick of The Awkward Years and their collective harmful impact. Sweet because the invisible assailant is on his deathbed. Sweet because I made difficult but necessary personal decisions that have bred greater self-respect. Sweet because of the stabilizing voices that God put in my life to keep me from going over the edge entirely, spiritually or otherwise. Sweet because in spite of all the downsides, I kept getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other. Sweet because I did keep this blog going, which is huge. In the past I used to just stop writing when bad stuff happened.

Equally bitter and sweet is that I came fully to terms with mom’s dementia — what it means and how to navigate it emotionally without it wrecking my own mental health. This has been one of the harshest new normals I’ve had to adjust to. At some point in 2024 I hope to write a whole separate post about dementia. But simply coming to a place of acceptance of this new reality has been sanity saving.

As I was thinking these thoughts the first time, the imagery that popped into my mind was the Red Sea parting for me; a visual where the sea itself — the walls of water — represent the bad stuff supernaturally getting out of my way at the command of God because HE’S in charge, not them. Because HE has power, not them. And when I do get to the other side, the bad stuff returns to itself and causes whatever destruction it wishes amongst itself and whoever chooses to remain in it, but I’m outta there. That’s how darkness works, isn’t it? It is a kingdom divided against itself. It eventually betrays and eats itself and its own and will ultimately self-destruct. I want no part of it.

As 2023 winds down, I am learning that while we can and should feel our feeling, we can’t stay in them forever nor make them or our trauma the basis of our theology and point of reference in all things. At some point we need to get outside our own heads and simply LIVE, even if life is not what we would have it be. The best way to take back your power and live your best life is to get outside your own damn head.

And I’m saying this from the trenches. In spite of the good things I still have a lot of challenges ahead of me and financial needs I have no idea how I’m going to pay for. And even though I’m in school, being proactive about my future, and making more empowered choices, barring a miracle that changes everything from one day to the next, it’s going to be a long time before much of anything gets a shred easier or definitively better. What I do know is that I want to go into 2024 fully present and engaged, and I want to prioritize mindsets that lead to desired outcomes.

And other than on-going grieving of certain losses and tail end processing, I’ve given up entirely on trying to reconcile or make sense of much of anything. At this height in my journey it doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve done as much as reasonably possible with that I know and it’s time to move on. It’s all done.

The prayer that emerged From all this

Lord, whatever is going on in my heart and mind, please clear a path for truth, clarity, light, goodness and, most of all, for what those things represent: healing, wholeness, productivity and progress, sweet, sweet progress. That the bad stuff would no longer hinder the good. That tables would be turned so that the good would be the “bully” now and steamroll over the bad to make room for quantifiable progress in every area of my life — physically, mentally, academically, financially, and professionally — all of which reflect your restoring and renewing grace and power.

And where I most want this new prayer to play out most is in the daily grind itself because that’s where I get bogged down often. I want to move through tasks and projects consistently without getting bogged down by petty distractions, other people’s problems, sentimentalism, or anything that isn’t adding something meaningful to my life. So as I say Hello, 2024 I invite my new besties along for the ride:

Clarity

Focus

Sanity

Determination

Discernment

Progress

My girls. My squad. My ride or dies.

I don’t know what 2024 is going to look like. I’m cautiously hopeful that the fundamental trend is upward. I want to believe that the worst days are behind me. But I’ve also learned not to hold on to any one hope or dream too tightly because we never know what can happen — good or bad. I don’t know if that’s unwarranted fear talking or just reality but for sanity’s sake, I will be thankful for the good things, be cautiously optimistic about the future, and keep putting one foot in front of the other without much expectation from anything or anyone other than myself.